Viruses you suffer from:
Pikachu! Use your hyper-electric-get-a-life move now!
Install the latest version of Microsoft Windows. Learn to love it.
Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves. [repeat]
Eat some real food. Something which you can identify the source of every ingredient, not the point of manufacture.
Stop wearing the stick-on ears.
Read some Enid Blyton.
Grow up. Let your roots grow out. Listen to Britney.
Life is not a game. Roll 3D6. On a 4 or more go out and do something with your life.
CTRL-Break, and get a real computer. Repeat: "Mode 7 was not a good thing."
Read "God's Debris" by Scott Adams (yes, the Dilbert guy)
Polygons, all the polygons you can get are not enough.
No need for cure. Benign virus.
Big is good. Small is bad. Giant robots would not make a good last line of defence for Earth.
Buy a suit. Invest your money. Eat hotdog buns on a friday.
Try MacOS X. It's based on UNIX, it has a smoother UI than Windows and it doesn't suck.
As an extra feature the boxes look nice.
Free BSD (130%)
The GPL isn't that bad really. Adopt a penguin at the zoo.
Computer Games (140%)
Stop staring at the screen and get some fresh air. You should see a doctor about the RSI in your thumbs.
Conspiracy Theory (150%)
Face it, the elected government is in control. Actually that's quite scary.
If you find one tell us.
Consume more stuff! It's easier to buy new stuff than to recycle.
Viruses you might suffer from:
Gnome is better than workbench. BEOS is better than Amiga OS. The TV Modulator was a pain in the arse and an EXTERNAL power pack? I ask you. And it didn't have a built in MIDI port like some of its rivals.
Anything this old must be obselete. Go and install a nice modern operating system. I hear MSDOS has come a long way lately.
Escape Meta Alt Control Shift.
Brand Names (75%)
Having a well-known name doesn't make it good.
Free love is passe and potentially dangerous, and patchouli smells like cat piss.
Use a mouse with more than one button.
Prog Rock (60%)
Long hair looks dumb with a bald spot. Listen to CD's they don't crackle.
Do something unhealthy and indoors, away from the Bears.
Move to the Isle of Wight.