July 6th, 2005

Losing Self

I used to care, about lots of things.

Unknown Armies, a roleplaying game I really like has "Madness meters" when something bad happens you make a soul check against the appropriate meter.

Violence
Unnatural
Isolation
Helplessness
And Self.

Self is always the hardest one to explain, how can you lose yourself, how can you get a disconnection from what essentially makes you up as being a person?

I lost bits of myself, it didn't happen suddenly, it wasn't a traumatic event but I noticed it happening.

Slowly, surely, gradually I became hardened, callous, uncaring.

It wasn't apathy like i've seen many, many other people develop. It was a gradiant of grey canvas being pulled over the world as a bleakness started to develop and rather then continuing to fight I had to get away and hide for a while.

I'm still hiding.

I don't think things could get worse but I don't wanna find out, it's easier to hide and not know what lurks in the darkness then turn on the light and illuminate the horrors that are there.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, it's almost 3am.

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