Fionacat (fionacat) wrote,
Fionacat
fionacat

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A new record!

80.

That's how many it is now.

80, it looks like this many;

........................................
........................................

Sure it doesn't look like a lot of dots.
Sure it's not that high a number.
But that's the 80th.

I'd say i'm getting too old for this but it would be a lie, nobody should ever have to do this.
Nobody should ever have to deal with this.

It's strange, you'd think helping someone, saving someone's life would feel so much better.

You'd think that you would get a positive eurphoric high form the knowledge that you have helped continue the soul of another being on this planet.

But it doesn't feel that way at all.

It feels mainly cold, like the person you are talking to is somehow only just there trapped in darkness or some nonsense and you are the light they draw from to get back.

It feels mainly like standing alone, knowing that there is nobody there to help you and suddenly feeling something brush past your leg, too large to be anything other then a monster of some kind.

It feels dark, it feels very scary, it's not a nice place to be.

I've been there 80 times.

I've helped people back from there 80 times.

Sure 80 isn't that big a number.

80 people doesn't sound that many in a sea of 6 billion and rising.

But it's now 80 people i've rescued from the brink of suicide.

...

I thank God I didn't fail any of them.

I pray to God that 80 is enogth, that even 1 is too much.

I thank God for giving me the courage, the strength and the wisdom to keep doing this.

I pray to God that if there are more I have the courage, the strength and the wisdom to save one more.

...

I thank God that he listens to these simple prayers.

...

It feels mainly like nothing that can be described in words because there are no words that can be used to describe the darkness that lurks there when facing these situations.

But it mainly feels cold.

80 looks like this many;
................................................................................

Sure it doesn't look like a lot of dots.
Sure it's not that high a number.
But that's the 80th.
And each time it's a new record.
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