Fionacat (fionacat) wrote,
Fionacat
fionacat

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Losing Self

I used to care, about lots of things.

Unknown Armies, a roleplaying game I really like has "Madness meters" when something bad happens you make a soul check against the appropriate meter.

Violence
Unnatural
Isolation
Helplessness
And Self.

Self is always the hardest one to explain, how can you lose yourself, how can you get a disconnection from what essentially makes you up as being a person?

I lost bits of myself, it didn't happen suddenly, it wasn't a traumatic event but I noticed it happening.

Slowly, surely, gradually I became hardened, callous, uncaring.

It wasn't apathy like i've seen many, many other people develop. It was a gradiant of grey canvas being pulled over the world as a bleakness started to develop and rather then continuing to fight I had to get away and hide for a while.

I'm still hiding.

I don't think things could get worse but I don't wanna find out, it's easier to hide and not know what lurks in the darkness then turn on the light and illuminate the horrors that are there.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, it's almost 3am.


Oh... stil reading? Ehhh well yeah I did for about a year and a bit on furrymuck do basic councilling.
Well I say basic councilling, it was never basic, furs are ... emotional and complex and very unhappy with the way things are for some reason.

What do you tell someone that wants to end thier life?

The first dozen times, it seems easy, reasons for living, reasons for being; but when you realise you are getting callous, you are caring less and you start to questions those reasons yourself.

It's time to stop.

It's time to hide.

Contrary to popular belief, I am quite well adjusted, i'm very strange and really weird but i'm happy and cool with the way I am and who I am.

But it still hurts, I'm scared.

What if I fail.

It's not my job to console people, but it's my responsibility to try.

Right?
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