Fionacat (fionacat) wrote,

Something personal, with possible large amounts of emoness and a degree of furry stuff in it. Probably best skipped over.

I very rarely write things like this I find it really hard to articulate what I want to say without getting confused or flustered or that worse crime I am feeling right now that it's just myself being stupid and that it does not need to be written down at all I could just hit control + home and delete it, make all the words go now but i'm resisting that urge for a change.

I'm a furry, i'm not the most outgoing member of the community but i've been in it for a while and it's really shaped my perception of the world, it's a good place with some good people in it, i can't even imagine how bleak the world would appear right now if I wasn't a member of the furry community. For all the parts of it that squick me out, that i dislike that i've messed up in and know I can never return, it's still a great place that continues to grow.

I of course would like I'm sure many people do be able to take back a lot of the mistakes i've made, stupid things said in the heat of passionate debate, stupid things said because i didn't know any better, just stupid things in general.

But this is not the time for dwelling on past failures, numerous as they maybe, it's time for moving forward.

Recently i've been pretty crappy to people that want me as an owner/master/father/mother it's an extensive list of what i'm willing to do to keep people happy. I've always had an ability to disconnect fetishness and sexuality with "naughtyness" and thus when people want me to roleplay with them something i've found i'm quite apt at being able to describe it exceptionally well, even if it's something I personally dislike I can still quite easily envision the situation and in sometimes alarmingly graphic detail involve the person in whatever fantasy they desire.

This means quite a lot of people like me for how I can make them feel, how I can lead them into thier own little dream for a bit, don't judge them on it, give them a nice story, some rather detailed perversion and hopefully some pleasure.

What I get from this is a feeling of connection, it's not the connection I want but i'm not very picky about them, if it's a case of feeling a little connection to someone else or the usual emptyness of being alone it's not hard to pick the former ever time.

So I drive myself to do things for other peoples, often at the expensive of myself because I don't want to feel left out, i don't want to feel alone.

Now to the point of this meandering train of thought that appears to have come off the rails a bit, what I would like most is to feel a stronger connection, when i'm with people it's obviously best again even if i'm doing things I would rather not it's better then no connection at all, even if i'm not really being myself for other people that's okay as well.

I am very easy to manipulate because of all this, but i'm going to struggle to get this last bit out, I did say I don't like typing things like this, sounding all emo and i guess weak and stupid.

But i am going to say it, what i would like most from furry is what i've been trying to put in all this time, i want somone I can be a pet for.

I don't think i'd be very good at it, in fact i'm pretty sure i'd be rather terrible, experiments in trying have gone horrifically wrong and just made me think more and more that it's not something that is for me, it's not something I deserve maybe on some level.

That is how my mind works and now i'm going to quickly press enter and send this before I hit control home and make the words that I didn't want to type because I feel stupid now from posting.

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